porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Text me some of your sweat
Randomize
