He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
