She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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