So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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