WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
on a scale of one to ten, how awkward would it i told him i had to go change my tampon and then left?
11
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
