She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
he had hair everywhere except his balls
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Randomize
