I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
