seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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