I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
I supernannyed him into submission
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Randomize
