Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
