so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize