so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
