I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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