I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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