dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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