i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
