quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
