Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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