I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
So apparently I’m into choking now
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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