one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
We left an ass print on the piano.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
