forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
