I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
