I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Randomize
