i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
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