Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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