He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
