6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
