Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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