I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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