I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Randomize
