His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
