my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
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