i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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