I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
literally had 100 drinks last night.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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