I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
