he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize