I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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