you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
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