HIV tests are more positive than that guy
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
