hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Randomize
