I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Randomize
