I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Hello my rib-scented angel!
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Randomize
