omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
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