I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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