don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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