He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
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