it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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