But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
