Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize
