dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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