Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
That's when you crack a 10am beer
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
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