so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
