I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
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