Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
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