A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize