theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Randomize
