I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
