my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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