I realized that I've made out with a different boy almost every time we've gone to mcgoreys....I don't need a boyfriend...I have that bar
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
