first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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